My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
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