Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
