i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
