you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
