Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
