I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
