Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
