his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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