Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
