My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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