His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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