she looked like the before picture.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
