4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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