So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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