I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
