I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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