when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
