i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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