I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
