he shaved USA in his pubs
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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