I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
