She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
