There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
