what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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