i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
