I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
