I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
True strength comes from lack of pants
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
