a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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