You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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