My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
