I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
