Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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