We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I need a beard to bite.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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