Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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