I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
