So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
