How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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