We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
