He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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