Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
