you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize