...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
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