When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
