Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
