I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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