Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
