its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
