Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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