My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
