Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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