his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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