I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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