I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
there is glitter all over my balls
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
