my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize