just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize