you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
