i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
