you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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