You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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