If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
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