Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
