I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
