Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
