I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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